"I miss your big hugs."

This week, woof. It's only Monday, but I know what I'm in for. It's the same thing every year. There is a mix of happiness and remembrance, but there is also terrible pain and anger. I know that on Sunday the week will end in happiness and celebration, but that always seems to be clouded by the pain.

**I wouldn't be fair to you, if I didn't warn you that this post could be a trigger for some. (Abuse, and Suicide)**

July 27th, 1991 my brother was born. Just hours later I was asking my parents, "when does he go back?" Little did I know that he was here to stay. We struggled as kids. Arguing, bickering, fighting like siblings do. When our parents started to go through their divorce, I became very protective of my brother. He was young. I didn't want him in the middle of everything. Our mother tried very hard to make my father the villain in everything. Then when she got drinking, which was a nightly occurrence, she became physically abusive. She would come after us with a metal spoon, or her hand, and would hit us. I remember writing it in my journal at the time. It prompted visits from DYFS at school, and at both homes. Once we were settled again with our dad, I took on more of a guardian role. I was helping with some of the traditional womanly tasks around the house, and was afraid that my brother was going to goof off; I became more of a "mom". This strained our relationship further.

Fast forward to fall of 2007. I left home and went to college 2 hours away. I was finding my place, and had an opportunity to let go of the things that I had to be responsible for at home. For the first time in 8 years, I was only responsible for myself. I flourished. I called home every week, and my dad and brother made the trip out for every home football game that they could to watch me cheer. This time apart helped rebuild the relationship that my brother and I had. In 2010, my brother was honored in the local paper for his athletics. In the article, he credited "his sister for pushing him to go to college, and be a better person". It brought me to tears. In 2011 I graduated college, the first of my family to do so. My whole family was there. We took a ton of pictures, and it was by far one of the best days of my life.

Over the next year, I found myself in the corporate world, in love, and getting an apartment 30 minutes from my hometown. I would go with my dad to watch my brother play lacrosse on the weekends, and we all became closer yet. 

On July 23, 2013 my grandmother passed away in the early morning hours. We were a tight knit family, so it hit us hard, but It hit my brother extremely hard. Him and my grandmother had spent so much time together when he was young, a privileged I did not have as we had lived further away when I was young. For the two of us, it was like saying goodbye to a "mom". We both sobbed like small toddlers. Three days later, we were having my grandmothers services followed by singing happy birthday to my brother. Happy 22nd birthday, brother.

Life went on. We adjusted. We spent more time with our grandfather and taking him places. We all became even closer. We were trying to hold to our traditions, like Sunday dinners together. It was harder though. I had a place of my own, and my brother was away at school. 

July 21st, 2016 started out like any normal day. I got up, went to work. It was a beautiful day. I made plans with a friend to have lunch at the office, and went about my day. I took a quick walk with another friend, before lunch. I walked to the cafeteria and got a big salad with chipolte ranch dressing, yum! I went and found my friend. It was just about the last open table in the cafe. We sat and started catching up. Talking about all of the things that we had missed in each other's lives. Then my cell phone started to ring. That's odd. It only rings if it's my dad, brother, or grandfather at work. I looked down and the display read "Dad Cell". Even more odd. Dad had the day off and was supposed to be away golfing with friends. I bet he forgot something and wants me to look at his desk for something. Yes, we worked at the same company, so it was easy for me to grab things for him if he decided to leave a pair of readers on his desk, or a hat, etc.

"Hey Pappa Jon!"

"Hey, where are you?", he replies.

"I'm in the cafeteria. I just sat down for lunch. What's up?"

Now here is where you're thinking, "oh no, something happened to her brother!" You wouldn't be wrong, but yet not 100% correct either. The next words out of my dad's mouth shook me to my core.

"Poppy is gone. Poppy committed suicide. Your brother went up to mow and found him."

The next few hours dragged on, yet few by in a matter of seconds. It's like watching everyone around you move at mach speed. I told my friend, held back tears, and ran the hallways back to my desk. I remember someone yelling at my not to run. I didn't care. I packed my computer and other belongings as quickly as I could and ran out the door. I called my boss as I ran across the parking lot, and left a message saying I had to leave in a hurry, and to please call me when he had a chance. Once I got in the car, I called my brother. He answered the phone trying to hold back tears. "Is it true?", I asked. His only response was "He's gone." We bother sobbed. We hung up because the police were just starting to pull up. I called my fiance and informed him. He stayed on the phone listening to me cry the whole way home. Once I got to my grandfather's house, my brother and I embraced and cried. He gave me just the bare minimum details. The officers came outside to talk to us. I asked if I could use the bathroom, and they told me that it wasn't cleared yet. I didn't know it then, but they said that because the bathroom was next to the bedroom where my grandfather laid. Minutes later my dad showed up. My brother and I ran to him, and again sobbed like toddlers. The three of us embraced for a long while. My dad stepped back and said "I have to go talk to them.", talking about the officers. His girlfriend stopped him, and told him he shouldn't go inside because he didn't need to see anything.

The officer came back outside to talk to us about an hour later. He informed us how things were, what they had done, and the next steps. "When you bring him out of the house, can we get a moment with the body bag to say some type of goodbye?", I asked between sobs. "No ma'am. It's actually best if you don't see this. You need to keep the good memories, not the memory of a body bag.", he responded. Two days later, we grieved again for my grandmother, and 3 days after that "happy birthday little brother."

Tomorrow marks 4 years since that day. 

Tomorrow marks 4 years of sadness, anger, and hurt.

I can't help but be mad.

Mad for the happy memories that we were shorted.

Mad at the fact that we weren't enough of a reason to stay.

Mad at the fact that my brother had to find my grandfather.

Mad that we didn't get that closure.

Mad that I didn't spend more time with my grandfather.

Mad that I don't get to hear him say "Oh, I missed your big hugs!" anymore.

People say that suicide is selfish, and from my point of view, it definitely feels that way, but I don't know what he was going through. I don't know why he felt this was the only option.

What I can say, is that suicide definitely transfers the pain and hurt to others. My whole family took on unexplainable pain and hurt that day. We will carry this pain until our last days. 

That day made the bond I have with my brother as strong as Thor's hammer. We are closer than ever, and share more with each other than I ever imagined we would. It sucks, but having our family torn at the core made us so much closer and stronger.

These next few days are going to be terrible.I will cry. I will spend a lot of time alone questioning why, being mad at the circumstances and unknowns, and will ultimately end the week celebrating my brother. Happy birthday brother. May you find joy, and reason to celebrate over this next week.

The end of the rainbow.

It's been a tough week emotionally over here. I started out my week on Sunday in a depressed mood. It was one of those days where the loss of a loved one comes back around to tug on your soul again. I sat in my living room and just cried. I miss my grandparents, all of them, but my my thoughts were pulled to my Poppy and his passing. To say that I've come to terms with his suicide is just complete hogwash. I'm still mad about it frankly. I didn't spend my day in a deep hole of sorrow, but I definitely felt the weight of his passing all day.
On Monday, I was better. I was excited for the new week and all of the stuff I had planned and was working on at work. The day went by fairly quickly and I was excited to go to work again Tuesday to work on a project with the PR team. Tuesday morning hit me with all of the feels. I woke up to find that a college friend of mine had succumbed to the cancer that they had courageously battled for the past 2+ years. I remember that he posted about his diagnosis around the same time that my family had found out that we had a family member fighting the good battle as well. I remember sending messages back and forth on Facebook and giving each other hope. We had fallen out of touch as so many do after college, but our joint fight connected us once again. I couldn't help but be struck with fear and anxiety as I knew my own family member had another scan on Thursday. The anxiety got to me and I cancelled plans with friends for Wednesday night. Frankly cancelling gave me more anxiety because I felt like I was letting my friends down. I spent 24 hours in a vat of anxiety. Thursday came, and I got a call at 430p... "Cancer free". It was something that I needed to hear, not only to know that my family member was ok, but to relieve myself of some of the fear, anxiety, and feeling of letting my family down for having set out on my own life during the hardest of time my family has faced.
I was ok, my family was ok, I could breathe.
I made the decision right then and there, that the next day was going to be a mental health day. I took a vacation day from work and set out into nature. I hiked with my dog, read a book, and had a drink on the deck while reading my bible study readings. It was a tidal wave of emotions, but a much needed day to sit and reflect. Each moment here is a precious gift.

"Thanks be unto God for his unspeakable gift." ~ 2 Corinthians 9:15

For TJ: Thank you for smiling until the end, and thank you for being a light in the lives of so many. I pray you've found your peace and eternal rest.

I gave, now i'm wanting. So cry just a little for me.

I've been trying to take more time recently to sit and be still and reflect on things. Be present. Life, the day, my surroundings, etc.
This morning, I was supposed to have a date at one of my favorite little coffee shops. I had text a friend last night saying that I had this weird feeling that I was going to be stood up. It wasn't anything he had said (or not said) that made me feel this way, I just had this gut feeling that I'd be alone. I woke up this morning, taking a casual approach to the date, I started to get myself around and put together. I shot off a quick text to say "Excited for coffee this morning. See you at 10, yeah?". I didn't get a text back. I held out till the very last minute to leave my apartment without being late. I made it to the shop with 5 minutes to spare.
I stepped inside the shop, and like on any weekend day, it was buzzing with activity. I took a quick glance around, and not seeing my date, made my way to the counter. I ordered a latte and a muffin.
"For here, or to go?" It was the moment of choice. The paper to-go cup would offer me the freedom to leave and vacate the emptiness and sadness that would overcome me if I was stood up; the ceramic mug would offer me a great Instagram photo and appearance of being content while completely alone.
"For here, please."
The waitress offered me my muffin on a pristine, modern, white plate. A clean slate.
I made my way to the only open table for 2.  I text my friend, "At the coffee shop for my date. No word from XXX this morning. I still fear that I might be stood up.". My friend reassured me that there are a lot of stop lights in the area, and maybe they were just running behind. With every chime of the door opening, my head swivels in anticipation. Is this it, is it him? As 5 minutes late turns to 10, I start to settle deeper into my chair. I look around an notice the groups of friends chatting about their kids, the group of students studying, the business partners talking about acquisitions, the young couple sharing coffee and a smile. Everyone here is, well part of something. I'm the only person in the entire shop that is alone. My phone buzzes. "Well??", ask my friend. "Nope. Stood up." It's 10:34 am, he's over a half hour late. Safe to say, he's not coming. Damn it, why did I get this for here! I could have scooted our the door. My friend offered to come meet me, and cheer me up, but I'm in such a foul mood that I just want to go home. I stick around though, sipping my coffee and finishing off my muffin. On the way home, I let the hurt consume me. I cry. I have flashbacks to being told, "You're nothing special.", "You're not worth it.", "You'll never find anyone else.", "No one else will love you.".  Was he right? I know I deserve better than I had with him, but I also haven't found happiness with someone since.
This isn't a pity party. No, woe is me. This morning's events forced me to step out of my comfort zone, be present somewhere, be comfortable being uncomfortable, be alone, and be me. I've spent my afternoon being lazy, and reflecting on this morning. I've mulled over the idea of texting the date that didn't show, not to berate him for standing me up, but to ask what happened and why. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I know I deserve better, and I deserve an apology. I know I'll likely never get that. After all, this is the 4th or 5th time I've been stood up in the past year and a half. One guy told me "You're way out of my league. I saw you and knew I wouldn't stack up.".  How do we determine our worth in another's eyes? At what point to we bring ourselves, naked as the day, to someone else to see our true worth?

The Revolving Door

Looking at things over the past few months it's been interesting. More and more I find myself comparing life to a revolving door.
I've noticed that friends come in and out of life like a revolving door. They are there and talking to you, then next thing you know they are gone. As soon as something (life event, tragedy, news) happens, there they are again. Obviously this isn't everyone in life, but everyone knows these people.
Life events seem to happen in the same cadence. An event occurs, you spin around and around to deal with the situation, and then when you think you've got a handle on it, something else gets thrown in and you end up spinning all over again. Take for instance my married friends. No sooner has a couple said "I Do!" and there are friends and even family asking when they will be having little ones.
At what point does the revolving door of crazy slow down or take a break?
Times like these it feels like you're Buddy from Elf...

The Comeback Kid

Well, it's been a hot minute since I've put up a post. A lot has gone down, and taken up my time. I'm sporting some new ink these days. I decided the day of the house closing that I wasn't going to put off the tattoo that I had been contemplating for a while. Five minutes after receiving the call from my lawyer saying that the closing was said and done, I was on the phone with the tattoo shop booking my appointment for just over an hour later. I couldn't be happier with the end product and the daily reminder that this tattoo provides me. 

Needless to say, that this also means that the house that I had purchased with my ex is now sold, and I no longer have any ties to him. After everything he has put me through over the past 9 months, or really 6 years, of my life I now have the greatest sense of freedom. Although some people tried to attack me for my expression in this blog, I remained both strong and mature and did not lower myself to the level of others.

**Dad, and rest of the family, this is where you stop reading, as the following will drive you nuts and baffle you! Love you guys!!**

It's no secret that I have been checking out the online dating scene. Most of these connections end way prior to ever getting to meet anyone in person. I initially started looking into online date because it had been 6 years since I'd even thought about the dating scene. I mean, I was in college when I met my ex. How does a 28 year old go about meeting someone (other than dating/ hooking up with someone you work with), and what is it like to be dating these days? So I set out to scope out the situation and figure out what I was inevitably getting myself into. I've always been one of those people that holds themselves to a pretty high moral standard. I always go out with the mind set that I want to make my Mimi and Nanny proud, and make my moral judgments based upon how they would view things. That being said, these men online are missing such moral standards. You know that it is a problem when Snapchat, Buzz Feed, and Cosmopolitan ALL write articles about the infamous "Dick Pic".

Buzz Feed - What Guys Think Will Happen When They Send A Dick Pic

Cosmopolitan - This Is the Most Brutal and Also the Best Way to Handle a Dick Pic

Ebaumsworld - 22 Comebacks for Unsolicited Dick Pics

I must say that at this point I've gotten pretty decent at sensing an impending dick pic, and thoroughly side stepping the situation. When I completely don't see it coming (and thus don't have a chance to thwart it), I've gotten pretty sassy with my comebacks. My favorite comeback has to be Dory from Finding Nemo, followed almost immediately with the comparison of a penis and religion.

One of the articles explains how the one woman sent the dick pic along to the boy's mother, and explaining to the woman that her son had sent an unsolicited picture and that she might want to have a conversation with him. My issue is that I don't understand what boys think they will accomplish by sending such pictures. I get that we live in a world of technology, but are these pictures necessary just because we have the ability to take them and send them? Now don't get me wrong, there is a difference between these unsolicited pictures, and sexting in a committed relationship. Here's the deal, DON'T SEND THE PICTURE, and don't ask "You like that?" because you will get a sassy response, and get yourself blocked! Just because the good lord gave you one, doesn't mean that everyone needs to see it! (See what I did there! Sometimes I crack myself up!)

I have also been reconnecting with a bunch of friends from my past, and it has been a blast. I have ended up running into nearly everyone that I worked with in high school, old high school friends, and sorority sisters. Goes to show that it's nice to take it all back to simpler days every once in a while. What I wouldn't give for a Saturday lax day at good old Camp Lyco, and a night at The Cell with my sorority sisters afterward. I am thinking I'm going to have to go back to alumni weekend next year.

For now, that's about all I've got. I'm sure I'll have something to talk about soon, but until then "Stay Classy San Diego", and don't send dick pics!

I'll leave you with a link to one of the songs that I am currently addicted to. Enjoy!

Volbeat - Black Rose ft. Danko Jones

When the dapper dude turns vain villain

Today was a me day. I woke up with the alarm at 5:30am and said "Nope, not today". I text my boss and told him I was taking a mental health day. I needed it. Through everything I have only taken one vacation day this year, and that was the day after a concert. I thought today was exactly what I needed, some sun, relaxation, and a whole lot of nothingness.

I felt like after the week I had had, I needed it. I found out last Friday that my ex was trying to sell our house out from underneath of me. I spent the rest of the week back and forth with the lawyer and realtor. It baffles me how much of a monster my ex turned into. This is truly my own Disney nightmare; think Frozen when Anna falls for Hans and he really ends up being the villain that tries to take over the kingdom. He started out dapper and charming, the perfect gentleman, and ended up the narcissistic vain villain.

That second picture is definitely how life feels right now. I've already written him off as a terrible person, and yet he continues to throw blows when I'm already beaten down. Today, my me day, ended up yet again as another blow. I went to pick up mail from the house, and came to find that my ex had cleaned out the house, taking items that were to be sold with the house (ie: washer, dryer, bar). So yet again another blow. I try to be a positive person, but It's hard getting beaten down on a daily basis and still having to smile.

I asked my dad how he did it. When my mother played this same game with him, how did he manage and make it through. He kept saying "it gets better". I know it must be true because I see him now and how happy he is. I just don't know that I'll ever be able to trust another to the depth that I had trusted before. I want desperately for all of this to be over. I want to be done and move on. I pray that I find a way to stop the beatings.

Everyone always says "Nice guys finish last", well apparently that applies to girls too. My big heart, compassion, and trust had me finishing last in this race. Although, don't mistake compassion and trust for naivete.

This girl isn't one to just roll over and take the beating.

When "Enough" is, Enough

When is enough, enough?

"Am I good enough?" "Am I smart enough?" "Am I pretty enough?" "Am I strong enough?"

"AM I ENOUGH?"

Well, ENOUGH ALREADY!

It was a tough year last year, and it definitely had me questioning myself a few times. I remember the last time I felt like this; I was in high school, and I had a terrible day at school. I hated school as a kid. I was bullied for my height, my hair, my weight, and my lack of boyfriends. I still got up and put my pants on, one leg at a time just like everyone else, and went to school. I tried to be friends with everyone. Yeah, I got made fun of for that too, because I hung out with kids who were "different". I found myself asking "When will being a good person, a kind person, be enough?" This past year when my grandfather committed suicide, I again fell upon asking myself "Why wasn't I enough?" It was hard, because I felt like I was enough, but to someone so close I wasn't? Then three short months later, the man I loved up and walked out. Again, there I am saying, "I thought I was enough. Why was I not enough?" I have struggled on and off with anxiety, and self esteem. Take all of these different instances together, and you start to have this irrational fear; "Maybe I'm not enough. Maybe I'll always be shy of enough."

Webster's defines "enough" (the adjective) as: "occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations"

Let's look at it. You know when you've had enough to eat. You feel satisfied, happy, full. You know when you've had enough to drink. You feel satisfied, happy, and (in my case) feisty and free spirited. You know when you've had enough sun for the day. You feel satisfied, happy, and (again in my case) slightly fried. There are two things in common, satisfaction and happiness.

In high school I was happy with having a diverse set of friends, and I was satisfied with my morals, not giving a flying whoot if the people I talked to were "different". I came to realize that this mentality could be applied to every situation in which I questioned if I had been enough. In my relationship, I had been enough... He was not enough. For my grandfather, I was enough, but he didn't have enough of my grandmother that had passed 3 years prior.

Fact is, I have always been enough. I'm enough for me, and that's all that truly matters. I can try to be enough for everyone else, but what's really important is that I am enough for me. I only have to be with you for a while, but I have to live a lifetime with myself.

This is me standing here saying that I am enough. I am a good enough daughter. I am a good enough human being. I am a good enough friend. I am good enough!

I Hope You Dance

"God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance!" - Lee Ann Womack "Dance"

So it turns out last weekend wasn't so bad. I spent the day running errands, and then spent the night with my cousin talking about times gone by. The night ended with a 90s dance party... on the couch. Lol. We ate a ton of Chinese food and laughed about relationships past, present, and laughed at the struggles of online dating. To be honest, it was almost the perfect day. All I was missing was the hike I had been planning. It was such a wet and chilly morning that I had passed on the idea of a hike. I had planned to reschedule for this weekend, but I'll have to see how the weekend goes. I signed on to watch the cutest little nugget tomorrow while her parents work.

Over the past few weeks I've notice that the things that once belonged to "us" don't spark the memories and emotions that they once did. For the first few months, I couldn't stand to see a duck or hear half of the songs by Thompson Square. Yesterday I had a breakdown in the car. For those of you that don't know, girls have 2 types of crying: 1) the cute girl cry, with silent tears and possibly a sniffle or two, 2) the ugly girl cry, with full blown sobbing, the "melting" face, and bodily fluids pouring from every orifice on the face. This was an in between cry. I wasn't melting, but the tears were freely flowing. What was it that set me off? "The Dance" - Garth Brooks came on the radio.

"Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance"

It's a song I've listened to a million times over. It has no significance to my ex and I. The lyrics just meant more to me this time around. I could personally understand the lyrics and emotion that went into this song. I cried because I knew that I wasn't alone. There are hundreds of people that have walked this path before me. it was humbling.

I've had people tell me that I need to grieve the loss, or that I am not angry enough, or that I should want revenge or to make my ex's life hell. Truth is, I'm the only one that knows what I need. I started grieving back in the beginning of November, when deep down I knew there was someone else, someone on the side, a reason for the texts and calls in the middle of the night. I grieved when I gave him every option to "save" what we had and he passed/ ignored it. I grieved on Thanksgiving when he sat at the other end of the table texting. I grieved on Christmas when we were decorating and he was sitting on the couch texting, or on Christmas Day when I cried leaving his family knowing deep down that this goodbye would likely be the last.

I've been told that I shouldn't be looking for a boyfriend or a relationship right now. People think that I need to focus on myself, and go out on a bunch of dates and have fun. Fun fact, that isn't me. I've had a limited number of boyfriends, I've never been a serial dater, and I'm not into hookups. What I am into is being me and doing what I know I need.

I take after my grandmother Jean. She was always happiest when she was surrounded by others, and when she had the opportunity to do for others. This is why I thrive on/in relationships. When it comes to life, the motto is "You Do You". Only you know what is best for you.

"But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all"

Today's the Day

Well, it's a tough day. Today is my wedding day, rather what would have been my wedding day. The past 6 months have been some of the hardest in my life. I went from the "happiest time of my life" to a complete 180. I've packed up a house and moved back in with my family, I've watched as prince charming turned into a toad. It is basically the reverse of Beauty and the Beast; the prince was a good looking smooth talker that transformed into a monster. I watched as his new girlfriend posted incriminating details of their relation on social media. Fun fact, when you say you didn't cheat it would be wise to advise your new girlfriend not to post that you were together on the holiday's that you were with your fiancé.

I've had to research how to sell a wedding dress, but haven't been able to bring myself to actually go and pick it up. I've had to cancel photographers, flowers, and the church. I've donated my silicon wedding bands, and plan to use the save the dates as a bonfire starter.

It's been a tough week. Little things have hurt the most. To quote Little Big Town, "I know I’m probably better off on my own, Than lovin' a man who didn’t know, What he had when he had it, And I see the permanent damage you did to me, Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic". When I went this week to get my nails done, I picked a color that is very out of the norm for me; it is sort of a robins egg blue. I chose the color because the name was "Just Keep Swimming", and I felt like it was a great reminder to keep pushing through. It wasn't until the first coat of polish was on, did it dawn on me, that it was a blue color and could have been my "something blue".

Today is also Earth Day, a day set aside for environmental protection. It is sort of symbolic of the journey that I am on. My own personal environmental protection; getting back to the true me, and refusing to lose sight of that.

As I sit here now, I can honestly say that I am not bitter or vengeful. I understand that this is who my ex is, and I know that I deserve better than that. Most of the pain and anger now stems from the lies that were spread, the stories that were told, the blame that was assigned to me, and my ex's ability to be an adult about the separation.

I feel as though I've done a good job of being both mature and responsible about my whole situation. I didn't want to bring myself down to the level of bashing my ex on social media, or bad mouthing him around friends. It's been hard to see how life has changed in ways I didn't event think of.

From this, I have definitely learned what I do and don't want in my next relationship. I've learned what is truly important, and learned that my happiness will not come from putting myself second all of the time. I am worth it, I am enough, and I am meant for better things. Love yourself, and let the rest fall into place.

  

Your time is now!

I have had the opportunity over the past few months, to see the last 6 years of my life in a new light. Time to look at my actions, my interactions, and my lack of action. I've had the chance to do some soul searching, and connect with me again. I've had to come to terms with how I changed as a person, over those 6 years, and then again in the time since.

3 years ago, I took the Myers-Briggs personality test. I was a very strong ESFJ, also dubbed the "caregiver" of all of the personality types. Key traits of this type, are putting others first, the strong desire to help others, the use of empathy, and the willingness to change oneself to appease others. The short and simple, is that I would do anything for anyone and will adjust to those around me to gain acceptance.

A very smart woman told me over a year ago, that I had changed as a person. That I had stopped being "me". I dismissed it. I cried because her words were raw and harsh. Looking back now, I realize that she was an outsider looking in and that she had a clearer view because of that.

I spent six years trying to be the best me, and trying to be everything that someone else wanted me to be. I hung on every word, and strived for any kind of compliment or bit of praise I could get. I also became hypersensitive to every negative thing that was said. I would work an 8-9 hour day, come home, clean up around the house, cook dinner, and have everything ready when my partner walked in the door. Every night I would pray to get a simple "thank you" and/ or "dinner is good". One day, after my partner came home from work, he made a comment about my makeup; I was wearing full makeup and lipstick. "Who did you wear that for"? Those 6 words stuck with me. I had worn the extra bit of makeup and lipstick that day because I had wanted to look good... for him. I mean, everything us girls hear is that red lipstick is a turn on for men, but for me I felt accused of going behind my partner's back and trying to garner attention from other men. I completely stopped wearing makeup to work after that, and didn't pick up a lipstick for 3 years.

I lost me.

Looking back now, there are more than 50 different examples of my personality type getting the best of me. I accepted that fact that I was never the priority and I excused away behaviors and actions that others would find questionable or down right inappropriate. Some might refer to it as "Stockholm Syndrome", and I can't say that I would disagree. These past few months I have started to find me again. I have a new found "I don't give a flying hoot" mentality. I'm going to do for me. Maybe that's what gave me the umph to tell a guy I think he is adorable and ask him out. I know for sure that it's the reason I have spent the past 4 months wearing lipstick every day.... a lot of bright red lipstick, because I LIKE WEARING SASSY RED LIPSTICK! I also bought a watch, because I like Michael Kors watches, even if it is a "fad name brand".

Take time to find you. Take time away to reflect, to listen to your heart. Take time to love the true you! And take time to wear bright lipstick and fad name brand watches, if that's what YOU like!

All you ever want

We go through life always looking to others for acceptance. We try to life up to the expectation and standards of others. We have to keep a perfect reputation. When life throws you a curve ball you sit there and try to view yourself and the situation from the outside. Given my recent situation, I've had to reflect on the how I'm viewed by the people that meant so much to me that will no longer be in my life. Do these people realize just what happened, do they realize just how tough this has been, or how much I want them to see the truth and the person that I truly am? Are these people only hearing the other side of the story? You get to the point where you want to break down and tell them just what happened and how it went down, to make sure that the blame is properly laid and that the your image and reputation are upheld. Sounds like exactly what I need, but then I got thinking will approaching them with this information do any good, or will doing so be the thing that actually does affect their image of me? Why do I care, should I care? Chances are I will never see these people again, and they are not my family, so why does their view and opinion of me matter so much? I can't help but want their understanding and approval. I want to know that people see what has happened and that I was not the bad guy, that I didn't do wrong. Somehow it all matters. I know I'm the only one that can affect how I'm viewed, but it still matters.

Can you validate,... Who's the Boss?

Oey vey!
Well, our friend Tony Danza was asking "Who's the Boss?" for years. It may not have been years, but it sure felt like it the past few weeks at work. With a large company that is merging with yet another large company, there is quite a bit of uncertainty. Where will the office be, will I have a job, will I be promoted/ demoted, will I like my job? Lucky for me, my area of the organization is moving faster than the rest of the business with job placements. I actually know who the boss is! (No, it isn't Tony Danza.) There are still a bunch of unknowns in the situation, but at least I know who my boss is, what job I have, and that I don't have to relocate (at least for the time being).
You see all kinds of people in these situations; there's that person that thrives off of the drama and uncertainty, then there's the people that peace out almost immediately because they either can't handle the unknown or don't want to deal with the unknown, then there's joe shmoe who goes about as if nothing is going on, and there's the sarcastic worrier who's cracking jokes to get through it., and finally, there's the seasoned veteran who is going to save the sinking ship or die trying  (meaning they aren't going anywhere even if it all goes up in flames. Think the old man from the move "Up"). I've met them all since the first merger announcement was made in October.
One thing that has come out of all of these experiences over the past few weeks/months, is validation. The gratification and satisfaction in oneself and or one's work or character. I received validation several times last week. I was asked to help facilitate our national sales meeting (kind of a big deal as I have only been in the sales function 11 months), I was praised by my current manager as well as his manager, I was commended for saving a large chunk of sales from 2016 (nearly $15 million), and then a few personal validations from friends and family. I am a firm believer that you receive back what you put out into the world; if you are a sour-puss life will throw you lemons, but if you are sweet as pie you life will be drizzled in honey. Validation comes with a drizzle of honey. When you taste just how sweet it is, it makes you hungry for more, it makes you push for more. If you want the best out of people, validate them, complement them. Build people up, don't constantly break them down. Be the positivity you want to see in the world. As Ellen says, be kind to one another.