Today's the Day

Well, it's a tough day. Today is my wedding day, rather what would have been my wedding day. The past 6 months have been some of the hardest in my life. I went from the "happiest time of my life" to a complete 180. I've packed up a house and moved back in with my family, I've watched as prince charming turned into a toad. It is basically the reverse of Beauty and the Beast; the prince was a good looking smooth talker that transformed into a monster. I watched as his new girlfriend posted incriminating details of their relation on social media. Fun fact, when you say you didn't cheat it would be wise to advise your new girlfriend not to post that you were together on the holiday's that you were with your fiancé.

I've had to research how to sell a wedding dress, but haven't been able to bring myself to actually go and pick it up. I've had to cancel photographers, flowers, and the church. I've donated my silicon wedding bands, and plan to use the save the dates as a bonfire starter.

It's been a tough week. Little things have hurt the most. To quote Little Big Town, "I know I’m probably better off on my own, Than lovin' a man who didn’t know, What he had when he had it, And I see the permanent damage you did to me, Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic". When I went this week to get my nails done, I picked a color that is very out of the norm for me; it is sort of a robins egg blue. I chose the color because the name was "Just Keep Swimming", and I felt like it was a great reminder to keep pushing through. It wasn't until the first coat of polish was on, did it dawn on me, that it was a blue color and could have been my "something blue".

Today is also Earth Day, a day set aside for environmental protection. It is sort of symbolic of the journey that I am on. My own personal environmental protection; getting back to the true me, and refusing to lose sight of that.

As I sit here now, I can honestly say that I am not bitter or vengeful. I understand that this is who my ex is, and I know that I deserve better than that. Most of the pain and anger now stems from the lies that were spread, the stories that were told, the blame that was assigned to me, and my ex's ability to be an adult about the separation.

I feel as though I've done a good job of being both mature and responsible about my whole situation. I didn't want to bring myself down to the level of bashing my ex on social media, or bad mouthing him around friends. It's been hard to see how life has changed in ways I didn't event think of.

From this, I have definitely learned what I do and don't want in my next relationship. I've learned what is truly important, and learned that my happiness will not come from putting myself second all of the time. I am worth it, I am enough, and I am meant for better things. Love yourself, and let the rest fall into place.