The Comeback Kid

Well, it's been a hot minute since I've put up a post. A lot has gone down, and taken up my time. I'm sporting some new ink these days. I decided the day of the house closing that I wasn't going to put off the tattoo that I had been contemplating for a while. Five minutes after receiving the call from my lawyer saying that the closing was said and done, I was on the phone with the tattoo shop booking my appointment for just over an hour later. I couldn't be happier with the end product and the daily reminder that this tattoo provides me. 

Needless to say, that this also means that the house that I had purchased with my ex is now sold, and I no longer have any ties to him. After everything he has put me through over the past 9 months, or really 6 years, of my life I now have the greatest sense of freedom. Although some people tried to attack me for my expression in this blog, I remained both strong and mature and did not lower myself to the level of others.

**Dad, and rest of the family, this is where you stop reading, as the following will drive you nuts and baffle you! Love you guys!!**

It's no secret that I have been checking out the online dating scene. Most of these connections end way prior to ever getting to meet anyone in person. I initially started looking into online date because it had been 6 years since I'd even thought about the dating scene. I mean, I was in college when I met my ex. How does a 28 year old go about meeting someone (other than dating/ hooking up with someone you work with), and what is it like to be dating these days? So I set out to scope out the situation and figure out what I was inevitably getting myself into. I've always been one of those people that holds themselves to a pretty high moral standard. I always go out with the mind set that I want to make my Mimi and Nanny proud, and make my moral judgments based upon how they would view things. That being said, these men online are missing such moral standards. You know that it is a problem when Snapchat, Buzz Feed, and Cosmopolitan ALL write articles about the infamous "Dick Pic".

Buzz Feed - What Guys Think Will Happen When They Send A Dick Pic

Cosmopolitan - This Is the Most Brutal and Also the Best Way to Handle a Dick Pic

Ebaumsworld - 22 Comebacks for Unsolicited Dick Pics

I must say that at this point I've gotten pretty decent at sensing an impending dick pic, and thoroughly side stepping the situation. When I completely don't see it coming (and thus don't have a chance to thwart it), I've gotten pretty sassy with my comebacks. My favorite comeback has to be Dory from Finding Nemo, followed almost immediately with the comparison of a penis and religion.

One of the articles explains how the one woman sent the dick pic along to the boy's mother, and explaining to the woman that her son had sent an unsolicited picture and that she might want to have a conversation with him. My issue is that I don't understand what boys think they will accomplish by sending such pictures. I get that we live in a world of technology, but are these pictures necessary just because we have the ability to take them and send them? Now don't get me wrong, there is a difference between these unsolicited pictures, and sexting in a committed relationship. Here's the deal, DON'T SEND THE PICTURE, and don't ask "You like that?" because you will get a sassy response, and get yourself blocked! Just because the good lord gave you one, doesn't mean that everyone needs to see it! (See what I did there! Sometimes I crack myself up!)

I have also been reconnecting with a bunch of friends from my past, and it has been a blast. I have ended up running into nearly everyone that I worked with in high school, old high school friends, and sorority sisters. Goes to show that it's nice to take it all back to simpler days every once in a while. What I wouldn't give for a Saturday lax day at good old Camp Lyco, and a night at The Cell with my sorority sisters afterward. I am thinking I'm going to have to go back to alumni weekend next year.

For now, that's about all I've got. I'm sure I'll have something to talk about soon, but until then "Stay Classy San Diego", and don't send dick pics!

I'll leave you with a link to one of the songs that I am currently addicted to. Enjoy!

Volbeat - Black Rose ft. Danko Jones

When the dapper dude turns vain villain

Today was a me day. I woke up with the alarm at 5:30am and said "Nope, not today". I text my boss and told him I was taking a mental health day. I needed it. Through everything I have only taken one vacation day this year, and that was the day after a concert. I thought today was exactly what I needed, some sun, relaxation, and a whole lot of nothingness.

I felt like after the week I had had, I needed it. I found out last Friday that my ex was trying to sell our house out from underneath of me. I spent the rest of the week back and forth with the lawyer and realtor. It baffles me how much of a monster my ex turned into. This is truly my own Disney nightmare; think Frozen when Anna falls for Hans and he really ends up being the villain that tries to take over the kingdom. He started out dapper and charming, the perfect gentleman, and ended up the narcissistic vain villain.

That second picture is definitely how life feels right now. I've already written him off as a terrible person, and yet he continues to throw blows when I'm already beaten down. Today, my me day, ended up yet again as another blow. I went to pick up mail from the house, and came to find that my ex had cleaned out the house, taking items that were to be sold with the house (ie: washer, dryer, bar). So yet again another blow. I try to be a positive person, but It's hard getting beaten down on a daily basis and still having to smile.

I asked my dad how he did it. When my mother played this same game with him, how did he manage and make it through. He kept saying "it gets better". I know it must be true because I see him now and how happy he is. I just don't know that I'll ever be able to trust another to the depth that I had trusted before. I want desperately for all of this to be over. I want to be done and move on. I pray that I find a way to stop the beatings.

Everyone always says "Nice guys finish last", well apparently that applies to girls too. My big heart, compassion, and trust had me finishing last in this race. Although, don't mistake compassion and trust for naivete.

This girl isn't one to just roll over and take the beating.

When "Enough" is, Enough

When is enough, enough?

"Am I good enough?" "Am I smart enough?" "Am I pretty enough?" "Am I strong enough?"

"AM I ENOUGH?"

Well, ENOUGH ALREADY!

It was a tough year last year, and it definitely had me questioning myself a few times. I remember the last time I felt like this; I was in high school, and I had a terrible day at school. I hated school as a kid. I was bullied for my height, my hair, my weight, and my lack of boyfriends. I still got up and put my pants on, one leg at a time just like everyone else, and went to school. I tried to be friends with everyone. Yeah, I got made fun of for that too, because I hung out with kids who were "different". I found myself asking "When will being a good person, a kind person, be enough?" This past year when my grandfather committed suicide, I again fell upon asking myself "Why wasn't I enough?" It was hard, because I felt like I was enough, but to someone so close I wasn't? Then three short months later, the man I loved up and walked out. Again, there I am saying, "I thought I was enough. Why was I not enough?" I have struggled on and off with anxiety, and self esteem. Take all of these different instances together, and you start to have this irrational fear; "Maybe I'm not enough. Maybe I'll always be shy of enough."

Webster's defines "enough" (the adjective) as: "occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations"

Let's look at it. You know when you've had enough to eat. You feel satisfied, happy, full. You know when you've had enough to drink. You feel satisfied, happy, and (in my case) feisty and free spirited. You know when you've had enough sun for the day. You feel satisfied, happy, and (again in my case) slightly fried. There are two things in common, satisfaction and happiness.

In high school I was happy with having a diverse set of friends, and I was satisfied with my morals, not giving a flying whoot if the people I talked to were "different". I came to realize that this mentality could be applied to every situation in which I questioned if I had been enough. In my relationship, I had been enough... He was not enough. For my grandfather, I was enough, but he didn't have enough of my grandmother that had passed 3 years prior.

Fact is, I have always been enough. I'm enough for me, and that's all that truly matters. I can try to be enough for everyone else, but what's really important is that I am enough for me. I only have to be with you for a while, but I have to live a lifetime with myself.

This is me standing here saying that I am enough. I am a good enough daughter. I am a good enough human being. I am a good enough friend. I am good enough!

I Hope You Dance

"God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance!" - Lee Ann Womack "Dance"

So it turns out last weekend wasn't so bad. I spent the day running errands, and then spent the night with my cousin talking about times gone by. The night ended with a 90s dance party... on the couch. Lol. We ate a ton of Chinese food and laughed about relationships past, present, and laughed at the struggles of online dating. To be honest, it was almost the perfect day. All I was missing was the hike I had been planning. It was such a wet and chilly morning that I had passed on the idea of a hike. I had planned to reschedule for this weekend, but I'll have to see how the weekend goes. I signed on to watch the cutest little nugget tomorrow while her parents work.

Over the past few weeks I've notice that the things that once belonged to "us" don't spark the memories and emotions that they once did. For the first few months, I couldn't stand to see a duck or hear half of the songs by Thompson Square. Yesterday I had a breakdown in the car. For those of you that don't know, girls have 2 types of crying: 1) the cute girl cry, with silent tears and possibly a sniffle or two, 2) the ugly girl cry, with full blown sobbing, the "melting" face, and bodily fluids pouring from every orifice on the face. This was an in between cry. I wasn't melting, but the tears were freely flowing. What was it that set me off? "The Dance" - Garth Brooks came on the radio.

"Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance"

It's a song I've listened to a million times over. It has no significance to my ex and I. The lyrics just meant more to me this time around. I could personally understand the lyrics and emotion that went into this song. I cried because I knew that I wasn't alone. There are hundreds of people that have walked this path before me. it was humbling.

I've had people tell me that I need to grieve the loss, or that I am not angry enough, or that I should want revenge or to make my ex's life hell. Truth is, I'm the only one that knows what I need. I started grieving back in the beginning of November, when deep down I knew there was someone else, someone on the side, a reason for the texts and calls in the middle of the night. I grieved when I gave him every option to "save" what we had and he passed/ ignored it. I grieved on Thanksgiving when he sat at the other end of the table texting. I grieved on Christmas when we were decorating and he was sitting on the couch texting, or on Christmas Day when I cried leaving his family knowing deep down that this goodbye would likely be the last.

I've been told that I shouldn't be looking for a boyfriend or a relationship right now. People think that I need to focus on myself, and go out on a bunch of dates and have fun. Fun fact, that isn't me. I've had a limited number of boyfriends, I've never been a serial dater, and I'm not into hookups. What I am into is being me and doing what I know I need.

I take after my grandmother Jean. She was always happiest when she was surrounded by others, and when she had the opportunity to do for others. This is why I thrive on/in relationships. When it comes to life, the motto is "You Do You". Only you know what is best for you.

"But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all"

Today's the Day

Well, it's a tough day. Today is my wedding day, rather what would have been my wedding day. The past 6 months have been some of the hardest in my life. I went from the "happiest time of my life" to a complete 180. I've packed up a house and moved back in with my family, I've watched as prince charming turned into a toad. It is basically the reverse of Beauty and the Beast; the prince was a good looking smooth talker that transformed into a monster. I watched as his new girlfriend posted incriminating details of their relation on social media. Fun fact, when you say you didn't cheat it would be wise to advise your new girlfriend not to post that you were together on the holiday's that you were with your fiancé.

I've had to research how to sell a wedding dress, but haven't been able to bring myself to actually go and pick it up. I've had to cancel photographers, flowers, and the church. I've donated my silicon wedding bands, and plan to use the save the dates as a bonfire starter.

It's been a tough week. Little things have hurt the most. To quote Little Big Town, "I know I’m probably better off on my own, Than lovin' a man who didn’t know, What he had when he had it, And I see the permanent damage you did to me, Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic". When I went this week to get my nails done, I picked a color that is very out of the norm for me; it is sort of a robins egg blue. I chose the color because the name was "Just Keep Swimming", and I felt like it was a great reminder to keep pushing through. It wasn't until the first coat of polish was on, did it dawn on me, that it was a blue color and could have been my "something blue".

Today is also Earth Day, a day set aside for environmental protection. It is sort of symbolic of the journey that I am on. My own personal environmental protection; getting back to the true me, and refusing to lose sight of that.

As I sit here now, I can honestly say that I am not bitter or vengeful. I understand that this is who my ex is, and I know that I deserve better than that. Most of the pain and anger now stems from the lies that were spread, the stories that were told, the blame that was assigned to me, and my ex's ability to be an adult about the separation.

I feel as though I've done a good job of being both mature and responsible about my whole situation. I didn't want to bring myself down to the level of bashing my ex on social media, or bad mouthing him around friends. It's been hard to see how life has changed in ways I didn't event think of.

From this, I have definitely learned what I do and don't want in my next relationship. I've learned what is truly important, and learned that my happiness will not come from putting myself second all of the time. I am worth it, I am enough, and I am meant for better things. Love yourself, and let the rest fall into place.

  

Your time is now!

I have had the opportunity over the past few months, to see the last 6 years of my life in a new light. Time to look at my actions, my interactions, and my lack of action. I've had the chance to do some soul searching, and connect with me again. I've had to come to terms with how I changed as a person, over those 6 years, and then again in the time since.

3 years ago, I took the Myers-Briggs personality test. I was a very strong ESFJ, also dubbed the "caregiver" of all of the personality types. Key traits of this type, are putting others first, the strong desire to help others, the use of empathy, and the willingness to change oneself to appease others. The short and simple, is that I would do anything for anyone and will adjust to those around me to gain acceptance.

A very smart woman told me over a year ago, that I had changed as a person. That I had stopped being "me". I dismissed it. I cried because her words were raw and harsh. Looking back now, I realize that she was an outsider looking in and that she had a clearer view because of that.

I spent six years trying to be the best me, and trying to be everything that someone else wanted me to be. I hung on every word, and strived for any kind of compliment or bit of praise I could get. I also became hypersensitive to every negative thing that was said. I would work an 8-9 hour day, come home, clean up around the house, cook dinner, and have everything ready when my partner walked in the door. Every night I would pray to get a simple "thank you" and/ or "dinner is good". One day, after my partner came home from work, he made a comment about my makeup; I was wearing full makeup and lipstick. "Who did you wear that for"? Those 6 words stuck with me. I had worn the extra bit of makeup and lipstick that day because I had wanted to look good... for him. I mean, everything us girls hear is that red lipstick is a turn on for men, but for me I felt accused of going behind my partner's back and trying to garner attention from other men. I completely stopped wearing makeup to work after that, and didn't pick up a lipstick for 3 years.

I lost me.

Looking back now, there are more than 50 different examples of my personality type getting the best of me. I accepted that fact that I was never the priority and I excused away behaviors and actions that others would find questionable or down right inappropriate. Some might refer to it as "Stockholm Syndrome", and I can't say that I would disagree. These past few months I have started to find me again. I have a new found "I don't give a flying hoot" mentality. I'm going to do for me. Maybe that's what gave me the umph to tell a guy I think he is adorable and ask him out. I know for sure that it's the reason I have spent the past 4 months wearing lipstick every day.... a lot of bright red lipstick, because I LIKE WEARING SASSY RED LIPSTICK! I also bought a watch, because I like Michael Kors watches, even if it is a "fad name brand".

Take time to find you. Take time away to reflect, to listen to your heart. Take time to love the true you! And take time to wear bright lipstick and fad name brand watches, if that's what YOU like!

All you ever want

We go through life always looking to others for acceptance. We try to life up to the expectation and standards of others. We have to keep a perfect reputation. When life throws you a curve ball you sit there and try to view yourself and the situation from the outside. Given my recent situation, I've had to reflect on the how I'm viewed by the people that meant so much to me that will no longer be in my life. Do these people realize just what happened, do they realize just how tough this has been, or how much I want them to see the truth and the person that I truly am? Are these people only hearing the other side of the story? You get to the point where you want to break down and tell them just what happened and how it went down, to make sure that the blame is properly laid and that the your image and reputation are upheld. Sounds like exactly what I need, but then I got thinking will approaching them with this information do any good, or will doing so be the thing that actually does affect their image of me? Why do I care, should I care? Chances are I will never see these people again, and they are not my family, so why does their view and opinion of me matter so much? I can't help but want their understanding and approval. I want to know that people see what has happened and that I was not the bad guy, that I didn't do wrong. Somehow it all matters. I know I'm the only one that can affect how I'm viewed, but it still matters.

Can you validate,... Who's the Boss?

Oey vey!
Well, our friend Tony Danza was asking "Who's the Boss?" for years. It may not have been years, but it sure felt like it the past few weeks at work. With a large company that is merging with yet another large company, there is quite a bit of uncertainty. Where will the office be, will I have a job, will I be promoted/ demoted, will I like my job? Lucky for me, my area of the organization is moving faster than the rest of the business with job placements. I actually know who the boss is! (No, it isn't Tony Danza.) There are still a bunch of unknowns in the situation, but at least I know who my boss is, what job I have, and that I don't have to relocate (at least for the time being).
You see all kinds of people in these situations; there's that person that thrives off of the drama and uncertainty, then there's the people that peace out almost immediately because they either can't handle the unknown or don't want to deal with the unknown, then there's joe shmoe who goes about as if nothing is going on, and there's the sarcastic worrier who's cracking jokes to get through it., and finally, there's the seasoned veteran who is going to save the sinking ship or die trying  (meaning they aren't going anywhere even if it all goes up in flames. Think the old man from the move "Up"). I've met them all since the first merger announcement was made in October.
One thing that has come out of all of these experiences over the past few weeks/months, is validation. The gratification and satisfaction in oneself and or one's work or character. I received validation several times last week. I was asked to help facilitate our national sales meeting (kind of a big deal as I have only been in the sales function 11 months), I was praised by my current manager as well as his manager, I was commended for saving a large chunk of sales from 2016 (nearly $15 million), and then a few personal validations from friends and family. I am a firm believer that you receive back what you put out into the world; if you are a sour-puss life will throw you lemons, but if you are sweet as pie you life will be drizzled in honey. Validation comes with a drizzle of honey. When you taste just how sweet it is, it makes you hungry for more, it makes you push for more. If you want the best out of people, validate them, complement them. Build people up, don't constantly break them down. Be the positivity you want to see in the world. As Ellen says, be kind to one another.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

❤ Happy Valentine's Day all! ❤

Here you go, living proof that you don't need gifts, and chocolate, and flowers on Valentine's Day. Even when I was in a relationship, I hated Valentine's day. Why do we praise each other for doing something special on a holiday? Praise and bragging are more deserved on the most random of occasions, not on a holiday where society says you have to show someone how much you love them. It's the little things in life that say "I love you" the most.... It's sending her a picture of a duck, because a flock of ducks attacked you on your first date and since then ducks have been your thing, or recreating the restaurant you ate at right after getting engaged in your living room months later. Those are the moments, those are the "things" that truly say "I love you". Don't get me wrong, every girl loves getting flowers, but do it when she least expects it. I swear I'm not a pessimist when it comes to love, or to Valentine's day; I'm just saying, do everything you can to make everyday a holiday worth celebrating. Don't fall into the routine of doing because it's expected, or because that's what one should do.


Now switching gears... Sometimes the journey leads us back. Back to somewhere we never thought we would be again. For me, this was coming back to my childhood home, my childhood bedroom, and the small town life I'd left right after college. I have a small family; I'm talking I can count immediate family on one hand small. We have always been close and there for one another but, with the loss of my grandfather followed not long after by my moving home, we have grown even closer. We are going out of the way to help one another, we are talking with each other more, we have fallen into a routine again and have honestly grown to appreciate each other more. I've also been reconnecting with old friends. It has been one of the best things since coming home. I've connected with both high school friends and college friends, and I am amazed that no matter how far apart life takes people that we can nearly pick up where we left off. The only difference now is we can legally drink! Do yourself a favor, and reach out to someone you used to be close with. You never know how one text or message might change someone's whole day.

Well by this point, you're wondering why has this woman titled this blog "Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!" and babbled on about nothing of the sort... well here you go. There are a lot of people on online dating sites. Some people have all of the right motives and intentions, while others not so much. MTV even has a show dedicated to the people who make these bogus online profiles, called "Catfish". You'll find that people lie about all different things online, height, age, pictures, whether or not the participate in risky behaviors (smoking, drugs, etc.), or whether or not they have children. I got thinking about it. It's not like I signed up for online dating in hopes of meeting prince charming (if it does happen that way so be it), but I also never expected that people would lie like they do or that people would be so crude and inappropriate (I know, I'm a little naive, but hey I try to give everyone the benefit... innocent until proven guilty). I started thinking about it. How is there not something out there, something that helps those of us with the best intentions weed out the ding-dongs? That's when it hit me. Back in school there used to be a website called "Rate My Teacher". On the site you could basically give your teacher a 1-5 rating and state a short comment with your reasoning. Why couldn't we link dating sites to something like that? A "Rate the Date" site, so to say. You can put comments in, and then everyone knows what they are in for, from an objective party rather than just the profile that the user (Catfish) created. You would basically know that this on is a liar liar when it comes to their height, and that in reality they are closer to 5'7" instead of the 5'11" that they claim. I think I might be on to something....

The New Norm

Life is a crazy and wild ride!
I have been trying to get myself into a new routine. The nights that I am back in New Jersey I have been spending time with my Dad and brother. Being closer to work, I am able to get to the office earlier and leave slightly earlier. I could have opted to sleep longer and get out at the same time, but after having the same routine for 5 years my body has gotten accustom to the 5:30am wake up. It's weird but my family has fallen back into the groove we had years ago before I moved out.
I have been packing things up in prep for the official move out of the house. I find it funny/ ironic that Amazon ships boxes in boxes! I have to admit that I have purchased a bunch of plastic totes in prep for the move. I like the totes a lot and I can reuse and re-purpose them once I move. I highly recommend the 44 quart waterproof Ziploc totes that are sold on Amazon. They are the perfect size and are easy open/ close as well as easily stacked. They have been a lifesaver in packing up the medicine cabinets and photo albums/ keepsakes.
As you know, I have been dabbling in online dating. I know some people that have had success, and figured why not. I was excited to learn that one of my close co-workers who shares a story similar to my own, recently had success online. I am so very happy for him, and look to him as a symbol of hope for myself. He is proof that I can and will dig myself out of this, and that I can be happy and love again. When it comes to myself, I had my first date. I met him at the Dunkin Donuts (cause I'll admit, I have an addiction to coffee) and we talked for 3 hours. Although our phone conversations had gone well, we didn't have the connection in person. Not to mention that he lied about his height and ended up being 4+ inches shorter than me (I know I'm tall, but I've gotta have a guy that's taller than me). It's a step in the right direction; a step toward recovery and healing. I am sure that my dad's girlfriend is right in saying that I will have "a lot of first and last dates".
I have to give my friends credit. They have dealt with me over these past 3 months as I have gone from distraught, to depressed, to angry, and back again. I am truly blessed to have them in my life. Texts from my work mom saying "No man buns!! Please no man buns.", and my other friends saying "so when can we go drinking and hang out?" I am beyond blessed! *Shoutout to my girl Dorothy! Happy Birthday!! Thanks for being you!*
My family recently went to a concert at Santander Arena in Reading, PA. I had bought my brother a concert ticket as his Christmas gift this year, and the whole family decided to get in on it. Seven of us made the trip, and we had an amazing time! We went to see Brantley Gilbert (Country artist) and couldn't have had a better time or experience. If you have never heard of Brantley, I highly suggest that you look him up because he is hands down my favorite country artist. Maybe I will post a video below, because he is just that good!

I have to share more sad news (I hate feeling like I'm always writing about sad depressing subjects). My best friend recently found out that her 10 month old daughter has a rare for of cancer in her both of her eyes, known as retinoblastoma. Right now her prognosis is good and the doctor's are hopeful, but it is a sad and scary thing. You don't realize just how many people are affected by cancer. It's astounding. I am adding several links to this post related to little Emma and her battle.

As always, thanks for reading. I hope in someway I can help someone else through these posts.

Links For Emma's Eyes:

https://www.gofundme.com/for-emmas-eyes?r=57809

http://bit.ly/2kfAlSU

For your viewing pleasure, Mr. Brantley Gilbert:

Let me drive this home

Ok, so this one is going to be a little all over the place. I warn you/ apologize in advance! Can I tell you how hard it is to come home to your childhood house after being on your own for 5 years?! It's not that I'm ungrateful, but in 5 years time you develop your own pattern and rhythm to your days. Now I come home, and I'm having to re-learn the patterns of my father and brother. Sitting here in my childhood room, which has once again become my bedroom, feels like a lifetime ago. Memories of simpler times cover the walls. Finding a few straggler glow in the dark stars still stuck to the walls and ceiling also drove the point home. It's a weird feeling; although of all places I truly belong here with my family, I feel like a stranger in this house.
I really wanted to talk here about driving, literally, but decided against it. No one wants to read about my pet peeves when it comes to other drivers. I will say, use your dang blinkers, don't tailgate, if you are being passed on both the left and right move over, and a yield sign means that you don't have the right-away. Oh and dear PENDOT, cloverleaf exits/ entrances are never the answer. (For those that don't know what a cloverleaf exit is, I'll add a picture below.)
I had my year end review at work today. I can truly say that my work family is the best. The co-workers that I have I can truly call family (I mean that both figuratively and literally). Not only do I get to work with my father and brother, but also my best friends. I have never been so popular as I have been these last 3 weeks! Sometimes, it takes hitting absolute rock bottom for you to see things in a different light. These past 3 weeks, I have been blessed with the most loving and caring friends. Friends that I was once very close with, but fell out of touch with when life took us in different directions have reached out. People are checking on me, trying to keep me busy, trying to make me laugh. I have to believe that this is a true reflection of myself. I must be something special to have such amazing and wonderful people care about me. I believe that you get from life what you give. If this is any indication of what I have given to those around me, I cannot help but be amazed.
In the drive to talk with other people and get a feel for the dating world again (*cringe*), I had joined an online dating site. I mentioned in an earlier post that I ended up running into my cousin's ex on the site. Wouldn't you know, the ding dong thought it wasn't weird and thought he still had a chance?! Sorry buddy, I'm not about keeping it in the family. I had to break it to him, and his response... "It's too bad. I would have like to have dated you, or at least hooked up." And this is why you are 33 and single. There may have been other things that helped drive home the validation as to "and this is why you are still single". The internet makes people brazen; there's no need to be shy or timid online. You can get away with saying that "you would be a good hook up". If you were looking me in the eye, would you have the go-nads to say these things to me? I get that people lie online as well, but what would a girl get out of lying about her height (5'11")? I mean seriously. I could see if I put 5'4" in my profile and you questioned that, but what would I gain from lying and saying I'm 5'11"? If anything, as a girl saying that you are 5'11", you are further limiting yourself. Some guys don't like girls that are taller than them or the same height as them. Although I won't complain about my height, I wouldn't have hated to be a few inches shorter.... you know for someone as clumsy as myself 5'11" is a darn long way to fall!
It's late, and tomorrow is still a work day so I'm going to call it a night. My last sentiment is "thank you!" For those of you who don't know, blogs give you a total view count, and this site gives you the view count on each post. My last 2 blog posts generated 4x the viewership than any other post I'd ever done. I don't know if what I'm writing is that interesting, or relatable, or if people can't look away like watching a car crash in slow motion but regardless I am completely humbled that you would take the time to read through my posts. Have a great Friday and weekend all!

Time to think

I'm sitting here waiting on my car to be inspected and new tires to be put on. The time, and endless CNN loop have given me time to think and reflect. I'm overwhelmed by the responses to my last post. I appreciate the love and support that was sent my way. Thank you all.
Everyone is saying "at least it happened now, and not after you were married". The sad fact is, marriage would not have changed things. Being together for 6 years, our lives were already so entwined, that we are basically "getting a divorce" with out the lawyers and legality of it all.
I am grateful that we are both responsible and kind-hearted people. There will be no battle over material possessions. The material-ness of it all isn't the biggest issue. You don't realize how tied your life is to the people in your significant others life. The feeling is one of losing my own family. Although I want to keep in touch and have a relationship with his family, I understand that life may not work that way... That time and distance may separate us.
Thinking about moving again, selling our house, dividing up possessions, packing. What can I afford? What do I want? Do I go back to NJ or stay in PA? Do I rent something out try to buy a condo?
Thinking of the dating world and the future is terrifying. Signing up for online dating, downright cringe-worthy. Having your cousin's ex message you on said dating site, mortifying! I never thought I'd even have to think of dating again.
I'm going to make it through!

Follow me through my journey back into dating, moving, and the upside turns that have become my life.

Let's Change It Up

So it's been a while since I've blogged, or posted anything of my own words. A whole lot of time has passed, as well as friendships, relationships, and life experiences. Thinking about it I see the potential for this blog as an outlet and in some way possibly cathartic. I'm going to change my focus from lacrosse, to everyday life, trials, successes, lessons, and celebrations. I hope that I can grow and maybe connect with others who can relate. To post about my life, is a dramatic change from anything I've ever done before.
So, obviously this blog is no longer a class requirement for college. I'm proud to say that I successful completed my college career and was the first member of my family to graduate with a bachelors degree! I can't thank my family enough for the support!
I started work at a small media firm, close to where I grew up. I was employed there for 6 months before the economy caused the company to layoff some employees. After leaving the media world, I found employment at a wonderful (and well known) private company just minutes from my home town. I started out in an entry level position, have had two promotions since, and received a 5 year service recognition this past September. My career has brought some of the most caring and wonderful people into my life, people that I am honored to call my friends even outside of the office.
I have spent the past nearly 6 years with a wonderful man. We have had wonderful times together. In October of 2015 on a mountain top village in Tuscany, he asked me to marry him. It was truly the most surreal and amazing days of my life, and I have never been so happy as I was in that moment. Just recently, he had a change of heart and called off our engagement. Although I feel lost, and broken, I have to have faith that we will both find love and peace. A piece of me will love him always.
My family has known loss these past few years. My grandmother, who I affectionately dubbed "the cockroach" due to her ability to come out of each of her medical issues unscathed, succumbed to her age and medical issues. She was a fighter until the very end, and the glue that held us all together. On her last night with us she lay in a coma, and I saw my grandfather cry for the first time in my life. He said to me that night, "I hope I did enough."  It was an eye opening moment for me, and a true testament to their love. He may not have always outwardly shown his love for her, but that night in that moment there was no doubt of his love for her. Nearly three years to the day, my grandfather took his own life. There was no note, no last phone call, no last conversation to draw any conclusions  from. Although we can't say for sure, we believe his love for her and his broken heart ultimately got the best of him. I miss them both terribly, and pray that they have finally found piece together.
Now that I've gotten sappy and long winded, I'm going to bring this entry to a close. I'm hoping to continue this blog, digging deeper into some of these topics in the future.

My grandparents and I, the day of my college graduation, 2011.