The end of the rainbow.

It's been a tough week emotionally over here. I started out my week on Sunday in a depressed mood. It was one of those days where the loss of a loved one comes back around to tug on your soul again. I sat in my living room and just cried. I miss my grandparents, all of them, but my my thoughts were pulled to my Poppy and his passing. To say that I've come to terms with his suicide is just complete hogwash. I'm still mad about it frankly. I didn't spend my day in a deep hole of sorrow, but I definitely felt the weight of his passing all day.
On Monday, I was better. I was excited for the new week and all of the stuff I had planned and was working on at work. The day went by fairly quickly and I was excited to go to work again Tuesday to work on a project with the PR team. Tuesday morning hit me with all of the feels. I woke up to find that a college friend of mine had succumbed to the cancer that they had courageously battled for the past 2+ years. I remember that he posted about his diagnosis around the same time that my family had found out that we had a family member fighting the good battle as well. I remember sending messages back and forth on Facebook and giving each other hope. We had fallen out of touch as so many do after college, but our joint fight connected us once again. I couldn't help but be struck with fear and anxiety as I knew my own family member had another scan on Thursday. The anxiety got to me and I cancelled plans with friends for Wednesday night. Frankly cancelling gave me more anxiety because I felt like I was letting my friends down. I spent 24 hours in a vat of anxiety. Thursday came, and I got a call at 430p... "Cancer free". It was something that I needed to hear, not only to know that my family member was ok, but to relieve myself of some of the fear, anxiety, and feeling of letting my family down for having set out on my own life during the hardest of time my family has faced.
I was ok, my family was ok, I could breathe.
I made the decision right then and there, that the next day was going to be a mental health day. I took a vacation day from work and set out into nature. I hiked with my dog, read a book, and had a drink on the deck while reading my bible study readings. It was a tidal wave of emotions, but a much needed day to sit and reflect. Each moment here is a precious gift.

"Thanks be unto God for his unspeakable gift." ~ 2 Corinthians 9:15

For TJ: Thank you for smiling until the end, and thank you for being a light in the lives of so many. I pray you've found your peace and eternal rest.

I gave, now i'm wanting. So cry just a little for me.

I've been trying to take more time recently to sit and be still and reflect on things. Be present. Life, the day, my surroundings, etc.
This morning, I was supposed to have a date at one of my favorite little coffee shops. I had text a friend last night saying that I had this weird feeling that I was going to be stood up. It wasn't anything he had said (or not said) that made me feel this way, I just had this gut feeling that I'd be alone. I woke up this morning, taking a casual approach to the date, I started to get myself around and put together. I shot off a quick text to say "Excited for coffee this morning. See you at 10, yeah?". I didn't get a text back. I held out till the very last minute to leave my apartment without being late. I made it to the shop with 5 minutes to spare.
I stepped inside the shop, and like on any weekend day, it was buzzing with activity. I took a quick glance around, and not seeing my date, made my way to the counter. I ordered a latte and a muffin.
"For here, or to go?" It was the moment of choice. The paper to-go cup would offer me the freedom to leave and vacate the emptiness and sadness that would overcome me if I was stood up; the ceramic mug would offer me a great Instagram photo and appearance of being content while completely alone.
"For here, please."
The waitress offered me my muffin on a pristine, modern, white plate. A clean slate.
I made my way to the only open table for 2.  I text my friend, "At the coffee shop for my date. No word from XXX this morning. I still fear that I might be stood up.". My friend reassured me that there are a lot of stop lights in the area, and maybe they were just running behind. With every chime of the door opening, my head swivels in anticipation. Is this it, is it him? As 5 minutes late turns to 10, I start to settle deeper into my chair. I look around an notice the groups of friends chatting about their kids, the group of students studying, the business partners talking about acquisitions, the young couple sharing coffee and a smile. Everyone here is, well part of something. I'm the only person in the entire shop that is alone. My phone buzzes. "Well??", ask my friend. "Nope. Stood up." It's 10:34 am, he's over a half hour late. Safe to say, he's not coming. Damn it, why did I get this for here! I could have scooted our the door. My friend offered to come meet me, and cheer me up, but I'm in such a foul mood that I just want to go home. I stick around though, sipping my coffee and finishing off my muffin. On the way home, I let the hurt consume me. I cry. I have flashbacks to being told, "You're nothing special.", "You're not worth it.", "You'll never find anyone else.", "No one else will love you.".  Was he right? I know I deserve better than I had with him, but I also haven't found happiness with someone since.
This isn't a pity party. No, woe is me. This morning's events forced me to step out of my comfort zone, be present somewhere, be comfortable being uncomfortable, be alone, and be me. I've spent my afternoon being lazy, and reflecting on this morning. I've mulled over the idea of texting the date that didn't show, not to berate him for standing me up, but to ask what happened and why. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I know I deserve better, and I deserve an apology. I know I'll likely never get that. After all, this is the 4th or 5th time I've been stood up in the past year and a half. One guy told me "You're way out of my league. I saw you and knew I wouldn't stack up.".  How do we determine our worth in another's eyes? At what point to we bring ourselves, naked as the day, to someone else to see our true worth?

The Revolving Door

Looking at things over the past few months it's been interesting. More and more I find myself comparing life to a revolving door.
I've noticed that friends come in and out of life like a revolving door. They are there and talking to you, then next thing you know they are gone. As soon as something (life event, tragedy, news) happens, there they are again. Obviously this isn't everyone in life, but everyone knows these people.
Life events seem to happen in the same cadence. An event occurs, you spin around and around to deal with the situation, and then when you think you've got a handle on it, something else gets thrown in and you end up spinning all over again. Take for instance my married friends. No sooner has a couple said "I Do!" and there are friends and even family asking when they will be having little ones.
At what point does the revolving door of crazy slow down or take a break?
Times like these it feels like you're Buddy from Elf...