When the dapper dude turns vain villain

Today was a me day. I woke up with the alarm at 5:30am and said "Nope, not today". I text my boss and told him I was taking a mental health day. I needed it. Through everything I have only taken one vacation day this year, and that was the day after a concert. I thought today was exactly what I needed, some sun, relaxation, and a whole lot of nothingness.

I felt like after the week I had had, I needed it. I found out last Friday that my ex was trying to sell our house out from underneath of me. I spent the rest of the week back and forth with the lawyer and realtor. It baffles me how much of a monster my ex turned into. This is truly my own Disney nightmare; think Frozen when Anna falls for Hans and he really ends up being the villain that tries to take over the kingdom. He started out dapper and charming, the perfect gentleman, and ended up the narcissistic vain villain.

That second picture is definitely how life feels right now. I've already written him off as a terrible person, and yet he continues to throw blows when I'm already beaten down. Today, my me day, ended up yet again as another blow. I went to pick up mail from the house, and came to find that my ex had cleaned out the house, taking items that were to be sold with the house (ie: washer, dryer, bar). So yet again another blow. I try to be a positive person, but It's hard getting beaten down on a daily basis and still having to smile.

I asked my dad how he did it. When my mother played this same game with him, how did he manage and make it through. He kept saying "it gets better". I know it must be true because I see him now and how happy he is. I just don't know that I'll ever be able to trust another to the depth that I had trusted before. I want desperately for all of this to be over. I want to be done and move on. I pray that I find a way to stop the beatings.

Everyone always says "Nice guys finish last", well apparently that applies to girls too. My big heart, compassion, and trust had me finishing last in this race. Although, don't mistake compassion and trust for naivete.

This girl isn't one to just roll over and take the beating.

When "Enough" is, Enough

When is enough, enough?

"Am I good enough?" "Am I smart enough?" "Am I pretty enough?" "Am I strong enough?"

"AM I ENOUGH?"

Well, ENOUGH ALREADY!

It was a tough year last year, and it definitely had me questioning myself a few times. I remember the last time I felt like this; I was in high school, and I had a terrible day at school. I hated school as a kid. I was bullied for my height, my hair, my weight, and my lack of boyfriends. I still got up and put my pants on, one leg at a time just like everyone else, and went to school. I tried to be friends with everyone. Yeah, I got made fun of for that too, because I hung out with kids who were "different". I found myself asking "When will being a good person, a kind person, be enough?" This past year when my grandfather committed suicide, I again fell upon asking myself "Why wasn't I enough?" It was hard, because I felt like I was enough, but to someone so close I wasn't? Then three short months later, the man I loved up and walked out. Again, there I am saying, "I thought I was enough. Why was I not enough?" I have struggled on and off with anxiety, and self esteem. Take all of these different instances together, and you start to have this irrational fear; "Maybe I'm not enough. Maybe I'll always be shy of enough."

Webster's defines "enough" (the adjective) as: "occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations"

Let's look at it. You know when you've had enough to eat. You feel satisfied, happy, full. You know when you've had enough to drink. You feel satisfied, happy, and (in my case) feisty and free spirited. You know when you've had enough sun for the day. You feel satisfied, happy, and (again in my case) slightly fried. There are two things in common, satisfaction and happiness.

In high school I was happy with having a diverse set of friends, and I was satisfied with my morals, not giving a flying whoot if the people I talked to were "different". I came to realize that this mentality could be applied to every situation in which I questioned if I had been enough. In my relationship, I had been enough... He was not enough. For my grandfather, I was enough, but he didn't have enough of my grandmother that had passed 3 years prior.

Fact is, I have always been enough. I'm enough for me, and that's all that truly matters. I can try to be enough for everyone else, but what's really important is that I am enough for me. I only have to be with you for a while, but I have to live a lifetime with myself.

This is me standing here saying that I am enough. I am a good enough daughter. I am a good enough human being. I am a good enough friend. I am good enough!