I Hope You Dance

"God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance!" - Lee Ann Womack "Dance"

So it turns out last weekend wasn't so bad. I spent the day running errands, and then spent the night with my cousin talking about times gone by. The night ended with a 90s dance party... on the couch. Lol. We ate a ton of Chinese food and laughed about relationships past, present, and laughed at the struggles of online dating. To be honest, it was almost the perfect day. All I was missing was the hike I had been planning. It was such a wet and chilly morning that I had passed on the idea of a hike. I had planned to reschedule for this weekend, but I'll have to see how the weekend goes. I signed on to watch the cutest little nugget tomorrow while her parents work.

Over the past few weeks I've notice that the things that once belonged to "us" don't spark the memories and emotions that they once did. For the first few months, I couldn't stand to see a duck or hear half of the songs by Thompson Square. Yesterday I had a breakdown in the car. For those of you that don't know, girls have 2 types of crying: 1) the cute girl cry, with silent tears and possibly a sniffle or two, 2) the ugly girl cry, with full blown sobbing, the "melting" face, and bodily fluids pouring from every orifice on the face. This was an in between cry. I wasn't melting, but the tears were freely flowing. What was it that set me off? "The Dance" - Garth Brooks came on the radio.

"Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance"

It's a song I've listened to a million times over. It has no significance to my ex and I. The lyrics just meant more to me this time around. I could personally understand the lyrics and emotion that went into this song. I cried because I knew that I wasn't alone. There are hundreds of people that have walked this path before me. it was humbling.

I've had people tell me that I need to grieve the loss, or that I am not angry enough, or that I should want revenge or to make my ex's life hell. Truth is, I'm the only one that knows what I need. I started grieving back in the beginning of November, when deep down I knew there was someone else, someone on the side, a reason for the texts and calls in the middle of the night. I grieved when I gave him every option to "save" what we had and he passed/ ignored it. I grieved on Thanksgiving when he sat at the other end of the table texting. I grieved on Christmas when we were decorating and he was sitting on the couch texting, or on Christmas Day when I cried leaving his family knowing deep down that this goodbye would likely be the last.

I've been told that I shouldn't be looking for a boyfriend or a relationship right now. People think that I need to focus on myself, and go out on a bunch of dates and have fun. Fun fact, that isn't me. I've had a limited number of boyfriends, I've never been a serial dater, and I'm not into hookups. What I am into is being me and doing what I know I need.

I take after my grandmother Jean. She was always happiest when she was surrounded by others, and when she had the opportunity to do for others. This is why I thrive on/in relationships. When it comes to life, the motto is "You Do You". Only you know what is best for you.

"But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all"

Today's the Day

Well, it's a tough day. Today is my wedding day, rather what would have been my wedding day. The past 6 months have been some of the hardest in my life. I went from the "happiest time of my life" to a complete 180. I've packed up a house and moved back in with my family, I've watched as prince charming turned into a toad. It is basically the reverse of Beauty and the Beast; the prince was a good looking smooth talker that transformed into a monster. I watched as his new girlfriend posted incriminating details of their relation on social media. Fun fact, when you say you didn't cheat it would be wise to advise your new girlfriend not to post that you were together on the holiday's that you were with your fiancé.

I've had to research how to sell a wedding dress, but haven't been able to bring myself to actually go and pick it up. I've had to cancel photographers, flowers, and the church. I've donated my silicon wedding bands, and plan to use the save the dates as a bonfire starter.

It's been a tough week. Little things have hurt the most. To quote Little Big Town, "I know I’m probably better off on my own, Than lovin' a man who didn’t know, What he had when he had it, And I see the permanent damage you did to me, Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic". When I went this week to get my nails done, I picked a color that is very out of the norm for me; it is sort of a robins egg blue. I chose the color because the name was "Just Keep Swimming", and I felt like it was a great reminder to keep pushing through. It wasn't until the first coat of polish was on, did it dawn on me, that it was a blue color and could have been my "something blue".

Today is also Earth Day, a day set aside for environmental protection. It is sort of symbolic of the journey that I am on. My own personal environmental protection; getting back to the true me, and refusing to lose sight of that.

As I sit here now, I can honestly say that I am not bitter or vengeful. I understand that this is who my ex is, and I know that I deserve better than that. Most of the pain and anger now stems from the lies that were spread, the stories that were told, the blame that was assigned to me, and my ex's ability to be an adult about the separation.

I feel as though I've done a good job of being both mature and responsible about my whole situation. I didn't want to bring myself down to the level of bashing my ex on social media, or bad mouthing him around friends. It's been hard to see how life has changed in ways I didn't event think of.

From this, I have definitely learned what I do and don't want in my next relationship. I've learned what is truly important, and learned that my happiness will not come from putting myself second all of the time. I am worth it, I am enough, and I am meant for better things. Love yourself, and let the rest fall into place.